Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
