I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
