I think I won the penis lottery.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
