Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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