Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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