gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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