Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
