Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
