I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
