i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
