The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
