I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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