dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
