i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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