So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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