Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
