She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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