Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
