apparently the secret to your success is patron
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
