i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
