My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
