gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This baby is an asshole
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
