My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
