I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
bring money and cleavage
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
