I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
