don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
