And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
