did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
