One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
