I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
