why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
