I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
