Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
