Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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