I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
