Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
