Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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