3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
