fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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