I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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