He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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