True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
