her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
