Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
