Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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