She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
