My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
