just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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