I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
