I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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