Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
