I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
People in love make me want to vomit
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
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